I worked on today's advent of tess, I did not finish it, it is not perfect... M.Y. already said that it relies on a very precise grid, and I doubt I have that... but, it is done to a certain point, and may be continuable. I have not done too many projects over more than one day before, but I figure, give it a shot. I'm not uploading a picture of where it is at.. how embarrassed I would be! We'll see if it gets done.
My new hobby is drinking green tea, ujicha which seems to be a specific tea from Kyoto. I found it randomly at a food bank across town that I ventured out to one day. It was the craziest food bank that I have ever found... absolutely no one was there at all. A friend on my facebook advertised it, so I went out there.. and it was no one!!! It was just a giant table of free food in the middle of a park, pretty ok selection! I got this green tea, and it sat around for a while.. but I just got a nice new, basically tea ceremony specific bowl.. I mean, maybe it's a rice bowl, I feel like I am supposed to be an expert about these things, and I know enough about tea dishes to say that this falls in that category well enough, but doubles over for rice pretty perfectly also. Well anyway, since it got cold, now it's tea time!! It's like serious maccha miruku.
I went to the library today, and I decided as an experiment, I would print out some of the crease patterns... so.. we'll see what that turns into!!! Seems like a really easy and convenient way to practice, I am excited!!
I'm reflecting back on this year, and even though I wrote it yesterday, I'll write it again today. 2025 was not horrible. I didn't go to jail, and given that I am not a criminal, that is supposed to be a given, so I am very angry that someone is hiring people to pretend to be upholders of justice who are instead putting heart surgery recipients in low grade torture rooms. So, I called 911 and complained to them, because the police keep showing up around me, and I don't feel safe since they have kidnapped me multiple times, and the best I got was: "Ï'm sorry that happened to you." ...you want it to be some sappy moment where things get better, but they literally committed crimes against me, and are running around in vehicles threatening that they can do it anytime. I'm so exhausted from lack of justice, and constant threats. Those officers need to lose their badges, and honestly, they should be locked up. Myself as a human rights person, I don't see too much use for jails: but if you have a healthy person committing serious offenses, what are you going to do? I mean, if you put those officers in a jail cell, they would NEVER suffer as much as my sick body did. Which means, there's no way for justice. It's just watch myself get hurt time and time again. I have no idea what is wrong with everyone.
And then you say I'm not working, like having to remember being in that situation isn't occupying my mind in some way that needs resolution.
I'm trying to tell myself that life can be good, but how can you believe that, if something like this happens? I had many good times this year, but I have this new person I met, who keeps calling me paranoid, and I'm like: "How can you say that to me after everything I've told you?" Like why am I even bothering here?
I didn't really hold many friendships this year. I reached out to many people, and most of them just ignored me, even though I have known them for years. I didn't receive many invites to things. I went to several conventions, and some were ok, but there's a lot of "WTF?" Because it's just me around a bunch of people, in some instances, many people that I have known for a long time, while I get ignored about things that should not really be complicated for any person to have at all. This is disgusting and atrocious, and even though I had some good times this year, I just can't believe how horrible everyone is, and I am sad not to feel like I honestly have community anymore. This is a lose lose situation? I don't know, it's like I'm at the whims of being around others, working with others to want to feel like things are going well.. but to reach a point where there is absolutely zero reason to be ignored in the ways that I am: like, I don't do drugs, drink, anything... and for myself to be doing so great in those ways, and yet no one wants to be around me, how can I want to be forgiving of how I'm being treated? There's no way for this to make sense, it just looks like, no matter what, everything is losing.
My health was probably better this year than last, but still one of the worst I have had in a long time. Somehow, I feel like next year, it is going to be better, like this was some temporary flare up. Maybe it is hope that has me holding on to that.. I could be wrong, and that would sad. Maybe I am right, and it will just have been a flare up. I think I'm scared of 40... but, there is good news: I get to look back, and feel accomplished. I was able to move to Japan, and when I got there, I made use of my time, and studied Japanese intensively, and I loved it, and feel accomplished about it. I still translate sometimes, just small things. I feel convinced that my Japanese may not stick around forever.. currently, I think a little bit about translating a book, because how much fun that would be! I really like translating memes though.. it could be fun to compile a book of translated memes... I wonder if I'll ever really do that.
Other than Japan, I try to look back and see if there's anything else that I feel so great about... I got some really weird adventures in, I moved around to more than just Japan... it was just so strange.. in ways where nothing makes sense. But in some instances, I look back, and find some comfortable memories, but they are a little difficult because hardship is so easy to focus on.. and it is just.. I swear it is related to the heart surgery. If you haven't had it, you wouldn't know.. it's like... you almost die, and just barely don't, and you just anticipate that everyone is holding that over your head, telling you that you are forever in debt. My first 5-10 years out of heart surgery, I imagined I was supposed to feel that way, and it seemed like society made efforts to make sure that I did not, and then some random switch flipped, and everyone just changed their minds about it and decided that my fear was worth bringing to light. I don't really think that was or is necessary, and I'm ashamed to even be alive for how I am often treated. I have no idea why my life was saved, when I am so excluded from everything, and anything that feels like maybe I could get a job, feels like people would go out of their way to make sure that I am suffering, since that actually feccing happened in my last job. Shame on everyone.
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sennashi_dorei
